Apartment Life

     Is there any escape from the noise of living in an apartment? It seems not. Now, I don't exactly have a ton of experience in apartments seeing as this is only the second one I've lived in... but it seems common so far to have a lot of noise to listen to from the other tenants. The family on the same floor as myself seems to have children that I can hear sometimes when they're having a bath or whatever. I don't mind them, I don't hear them often, and when I do I understand that they're children and they're not like... yelling really loudly in an attempt to annoy everybody around them. They're just being kids.

     The girl upstairs on the other hand. I can't tell if she's living with someone else or not, but I QUITE often hear hear bawling or yelling about something. I can actually currently hear her telling someone to "F" off. This, I find to be a little bit annoying. Most of the time I couldn't care less because I have music or whatever to listen to rather than having to hear her. You would think that myself being the interoverted nerd I am wouldn't mind too much and that I would put on my headphones and tune her out... but even I have my limits. My goodness.

     It's honestly less that I find her annoying and more that... it makes me feel bad for the actions of myself and Carley in the past. I'm usually not very quick to anger, but if someone knows how to, they could probably annoy me pretty easily. I'm definitely working on keeping my anger down, I think I've handled things a lot better recently; I could always use a little bit of help though. I don't know about other people, but I find it quite bothersome to have someone get so quick to anger when I'm only trying to be accepting and understanding. What I admire most in a person is them being understanding and forgiving even when it's so hard for them to do. That's something I strive to do.

     So I guess I have to wonder what could possibly be going on up there that I hear this sort of thing going on every couple days or so. Even though I wonder about it... and wonder why she keeps subjecting herself to whatever is going on up there over and over again... I have to look at myself and remember that I have done the same thing. I hope my future is less argumentative and more understanding than is has been in the past. The future will tell me what happens.

~ Kyle

Story Time - February 26, 2016

     One upon a time, there was a simple prince living in a small secluded forest town. This prince wasn't fancy like all the other princes. In fact, hardly anybody knew he was even a prince... but that's the way he liked it. This prince didn't really like lots of people knowing about him, so he often kept to himself.

     As much as the prince liked being on his own, he always felt like something was missing; a companion for his travels and adventures. The prince couldn't have just anybody accompany him though; he needed someone to spend time with. So he went on a new adventure to find a proper companion.

     He found many possible companions, but an overwhelming majority of them were unable to hold a conversation with him. That was a pretty important thing in a companion, so none of them were considered. They could be found everywhere. There were so many of them that it was difficult to find what he was looking for. So the prince went to a wizard who sold him a potion that would filter out all those people who wouldn't make a good companion.

     The prince decided to go back to his adventure. He went to a clearing in the forest town to enjoy some sunlight. He drank the potion and was amazed to see his vision much clearer. His vision became so clear that he was able to see right through everyone to the beautiful princess of the secluded forest town. The prince had seen her before and thought that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, but he knew that she had many friends and not much free time.

     The prince wasn't very good at coming up with ideas for things to do that weren't creative or that used a lot of thought, and he knew that people who were always busy tended to not like doing creative things or thinking too much all the time. So he wasn't very sure about the princess... why would the potion reveal to him someone who was always busy with other people? That seemed like an odd choice for a companion.

     But the prince believed in the potion and decided he would try to get the beautiful princess's attention. He tried and tried, but she always seemed to be busy. Sometimes she wouldn't be busy and would notice him. She would make plans with him to spend time with him and get to know each other... but then their plans would be cut short or changed because she would be too tired.

     The hardest part was when the princess would tell him she wanted someone to spend time with; that she liked people who wanted to spend time with her... the more, the better. But then she would tell him to go do things on his own without her. So the prince was sad that he was unable to spend more time with the fantastic princess. He would keep trying, even though she was so busy... and one day... everything would change.

~ Kyle

Sometimes it's just a short post about my thoughts.

     I've been told that people like reading my thoughts even if it's just something simple. So much so, that I should make a post every day, even if it's on nothing of interest. Well... I'll try to have something interesting to think about as often as possible. I can't promise having something to post about every day. Nor can I promise to have something interesting to think about on those days that I do post something. But I can make an effort to write more posts.

     I've thought about this a lot actually. If only I could be paid to write about my thoughts every day. Well... in theory... I COULD... but if that did happen, it would certainly take work and time. Not that that's a bad thing. I have a fantasy of finding something to enjoy doing every day and making money at it. Being successful at something I've created myself rather than being successful at a job that someone else came up with. I thought it was just a want to be a famous streamer or something... but after giving it some thought I realize that it's not just about a silly idea of playing games for a living... if I could play games, or write about things, or make artwork for a living and get paid for it... I think I would be really happy. I think it's that old creative me wanting to come out again.

     I used to be really creative. One of my best creations was a ship made out of popsicle sticks which I'll show a picture of. I've also had a couple drawings and paintings that I was really proud of that I unfortunately never got any pictures of and have been lost to the depths of moving multiple times. So now that I've had this time to think about things to myself, I have a better understanding of myself. Every time something new and significant happens, learn something new about myself and think that I must know all there is to know about me. And yet... I keep learning more about myself with every event. I'm a creative person. I know this... I just forgot about it.

     How can you forget about being creative? I know... it seems so silly that THAT could be possible; to forget something so significant about yourself. But when I think about it... it's not just something that I'm coming up with to try to be an interesting person. I'm not just making up stories to try to cope with having a crummy month earlier. I've done creative things that I've been proud of and others have recognized me for in the past. When I was a child, I used to play games with my friends that were all in our imagination. I loved being in impov in highschool. My favourite classes were the ones where we got to make funny videos and things. And heck, I still play table top games by myself, just because I think it's fun to think about everything going on even if it's on my own.

     I guess a person forgets about these kinds of things when being in school and worrying about money makes you think that you have to fit into some kind of cookie-cutter 9-5 job. I've tried really hard to understand these things and fit in and set myself up to be a guy with a good job and everything absolutely average and normal and all that. I think what really gave me this realization was watching a stream recently. LethalFrag gave this wonderful speech which really makes sense and I took to heart. He said, "If you don't like what you're doing, you're not going to enjoy your life. So find something you like to do, and do it. If you like cleaning and want to be a janitor for the rest of your life, be a janitor!" It's so simple. I don't know exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I do know that I want it to be something creative.

     Alright... so this wasn't quite as short as I thought it was going to be. Enjoy everybody and have a great day! ^_^

~ Kyle

Status Update

     I have to admit, my day yesterday was much better than I had originally thought it would be. I am still fighting within myself to be as happy as I know I should be even though my brain tells me not to be. But I truly did have an absolutely amazing day yesterday. I'm feeling happy enough even within myself to eat food rather than skipping meals. I've been feeling well enough to keep up my writing endeavors. I'm feeling pretty good.

     So all in all, I'm glad yesterday was a day the way it was. Yeah, it started out a little crummy, and perhaps I seemed like I was unhappy throughout the day... but I truly truly truly am happy. I hope for more happy days in the future.

~ Kyle

Am I really worth it?

     I know I should easily think the answer to this question is yes... but I'm just so confused lately. Just when everything seems like it's getting better, I feel like I make it all worse. I just want to make a change. I want to prove that I can do a better job and be a better person. I want to prove that I am worth it, but I don't know how. I don't know how to be what is needed of me when it seems like what's already there is so much better, even though I know it shouldn't be.

     I can be told ten times that I'm worth it; that I am what is needed or wanted, but then... when things are still in question even after being told that... I don't know how to respond. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Nobody should feel obligated to do anything for me, or feel a certain way for me. It shouldn't matter if I've known somebody for any length of time. I don't want special attention just because of knowing someone previously, or because of how I'm feeling now. I just want to be seen as a regular person and given a regular chance to be what I know I can be... even though I probably don't deserve that chance.

     I guess what I'm saying, is that I'm miserable. There are times when I feel happier than the rest of this past month all put together... and then there are time when that comes crashing down and I feel worse than before. I'm sorry to anybody my mood affects. I'm sorry for bringing other people down. And I'm sorry for making things more difficult. I wish everything could just be made so much easier. I wish I could prove that I have what it takes to make everything better without taking a huge chance... but I can't. Believing in me would be taking a chance in the unknown. Trusting in the words that I say. Trusting in me.

     I can only hope that you have what it takes to believe in me, and that together we can be stronger. I hope that I can make you confident enough to trust me, and maybe... just maybe I can be what you need.

~ Kyle

I just feel like writing

     I've actually been in quite a creative mood lately. Not creative so much that I've wanted to make arts and crafts... only crafting words into coherent sentences and short-stories. But I really like writing. I mean, that's why I update this blog whenever I feel like it... so that I can share my words with everybody else.

     I'm still fighting with myself most days just to get out of bed. I still haven't gotten through the vast majority of projects I have to do for school, but as long as I can try just a little bit every day, that's all that matters. And I can only hope that the people who care are able to see what I've done; even if it hasn't been a lot.

     Today I managed to get myself out of the house to go for a little bit of groceries. So that's my accomplishment for today. It's not much, but at least I can say that I had the energy and will to get myself out of the house and take care of myself.

     I really wish I had more to tell you guys about today, but that's basically it. Perhaps I'll put up some of my stories on my blog some of these days.

~ Kyle

Depression Sucks

     If you struggle with depression as I do, then you know how crappy it can be. If you know someone who struggles with depression, then you may have some understanding of what it's like. I'm not sure how I would describe it... perhaps like there's a blanket over me and I can't get it off. Everything feels difficult.

     Some days are alright, and others I can barely get out of bed. I know I've lost weight recently from not eating enough food - though I don't know how much. Sometimes it's triggered by certain events, other times I have absolutely no idea what causes it. That's the mystery of depression.

     So it's a difficult thing to understand. People who have no experience with depression may have trouble knowing what to do, or how to handle someone with such a problem. Supporting a depressed person isn't as difficult as it sounds though. I recently read an article that explained it in a really good way. If someone told you they had an energy-sucking flu that made it really difficult to get out of bed, you would probably be like "oh man, that energy-sucking flu really sucks." And that's basically what it's like. It's not something weird and out there. It's like catching an energy-sucking flu for a while.

     As someone who has to deal with this sort of thing, I can tell you the best thing you can do for someone in this position is to just remain calm, and be there for them. You don't have to find solutions for them. Searching for a solution to depression while depressed is kinda like going to the store for a fire extinguisher while your house is on fire. Not exactly the best time. Seriously, just be there for them. One of the worst parts of being depressed is feeling like you're in the way. Feeling like you don't want to bring everyone else down with you. Sometimes all they need is someone to talk to. Someone willing to ride out the storm with them.

     The days get better. Some days are worse, some days are better. But it does pass in time... just like an energy-sucking flu.

Banished - Game Review - 7/10

     This game, I have put so many hours into. Partly because I'm a perfectionist and I don't like to leave a game without 100% of the achievements finished, but also because this game is a nice city-builder.

     My first instinct is to call it "casual". I'm not actually sure if that's accurate or not. I mean, you aren't really playing against anything besides the elements, and basic human survival. The goal of the game is to make a settlement/village/town/city/whatever-you-want-to-call-it. You don't have to worry about being attacked by anything besides tornadoes and fires. It's just you and your people. As long as you make sure they have enough food and supplies, they're good to go.

     So in terms of a city-builder, this is a really fun game. Even though you don't have to play "against" anything, and don't have any specific goal besides making a city and keeping your people alive... this game captures enough attention to keep me playing it even when there's only one achievement left to get... that takes FOREVER I might add.

     The only thing about this game I can REALLY harp on is the fact that it slows down a ton as your population increases. I assume it's a problem with having to render/calculate every one of the sprites in the game. Figuring out what each and every one of them have to do, because they all have their own lives. I would imagine the more powerful your computer, the better the game would run at higher populations. Now, I have a pretty beefy machine... and my game starts to crap out around 200 population. I've searched for fixes for this kind of thing and unfortunately haven't really come across anything. I'm pretty sure it's just the way the game is made/encoded.

     Now, saying that. I do highly recommend this game. I have found it very interesting to learn how to take care of my people. If you're into tackling achievements, then that's what really makes this game worth it's money is the time you have to take to figure out how to get those elusive achievements.



     I'm going to give this game 7/10 for a city-builder. I haven't played many of them, but this one caught my eye. It could be better, but it's not bad at all.

~ Kyle

Getting Better

     I haven't felt awesome for the past couple weeks. Getting broken up with when you think everything is stable... especially over a text message you didn't know about that obviously means you must have cheated on the person you were in love with and did everything for... just because you didn't mention this text message that you didn't know about... is really difficult. I mean, I feel like shit... but at the same time I realize that if she so easily believed that I would cheat on her just because of a text message, then I guess we weren't meant for one another. The crappiest part is that I didn't even know about this text message that supposedly came from me. And it's difficult to believe that there ever was a text message because she didn't say anything about it. She just deleted it.

     So here I am, two weeks later. I'm feeling better; I'm eating again. I also got some work done. I have a bit to catch up on after not really going to school for a week, but luckily it's not too much to handle I think. I have decided that I don't want to go through with attempting to learn this math 226 class though. I mean I already missed at least two weeks of it before I was officially back in the class, and then with this life-drama going on, I just don't feel like I'm in a good position to try to learn something like that after missing so much.

     But the good news is that I went in today and got some work done! Finished my AutoCADD template including the block that had to be updated which included me needing to learn about something new on my own. I'm feeling pretty good; Rather tired, but pretty good. I think next I'll tackle my new logo and finish the watch that's past due. But as long as I take things one thing at a time, I think I'll be good.

I can get through this. Everything will be better in the end.

~ Kyle