The Anticipation Is Killing Me

     I've had people complain about me being too slow, or taking too much time to do things or say something. I think it's one of my strongest qualities to be so patient. One of the hardest things to do is to wait for something. I've definitely been in some situations in my life that have required me to wait for something to happen. Yeah, I absolutely get just as impatient as the next person when having to wait for a period of time for something to happen. Even a short time sometimes feels like an eternity.

     Once again I find myself waiting. Perhaps I'm waiting for nothing. Or perhaps I'm waiting for what I've always wanted in my life. I can't really be sure as of yet. All I know is that once again, I find myself waiting for something in my life. It sucks to have to wait, but I believe having adequate patience is the difference between true happiness and settling due to rushing too quickly. I want to find the missing piece of myself that is floating throughout the world somewhere. I'm confident that with a little bit of effort on my part, and some patience... I will find that which I am looking for.

     If you're reading this right now thinking about how much you want something to just happen already... perhaps you're in the same position. Maybe you just need to slow down a little and take the time to let things happen on their own time. There are many things that can seem right at the time when done quickly... but in the end, you realize it's all just a cover-up. Anything that is rushed too quickly will only leave you feeling like something is wrong afterwords. Perhaps you'll try to bring back that spark by having more of it, but it won't be the same. Rushing through something before you're truly ready may give you a rush that you'll forever be searching for after the fact. A feeling that will be difficult to ever get again.

     The words "I Love You" for instance. The first time these words are said in a new relationship should be a special time; one which should not be rushed. Said too soon, and the words may feel awkward... or they could feel like the beginning of a roaring flame. That uneasiness when you're unsure if the time is right may translate into a rush of adrenaline as you say those amazing words. And then forever after, your memory of the experience is one of adrenaline... one that you likely cannot replicate. Thus, every time those words are used after that moment, it will feel like a band-aid that doesn't quite cover the scratch. More and more band-aids you try to put on the scratch, but no matter how hard you try, you just can't quite cover it.

     And so I say to have patience. As hard as it can be, it is a must if anything is to ever last. Patience with activities, but more importantly with people. Any relationship, whether a friend, relative, or significant other... needs patience and understanding between the two. In the end, having patience will pay off. So have patience with everything you do. Patience is the key to happiness no matter the timeline.

~ Kyle

Am I really worth it?

     I know I should easily think the answer to this question is yes... but I'm just so confused lately. Just when everything seems like it's getting better, I feel like I make it all worse. I just want to make a change. I want to prove that I can do a better job and be a better person. I want to prove that I am worth it, but I don't know how. I don't know how to be what is needed of me when it seems like what's already there is so much better, even though I know it shouldn't be.

     I can be told ten times that I'm worth it; that I am what is needed or wanted, but then... when things are still in question even after being told that... I don't know how to respond. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Nobody should feel obligated to do anything for me, or feel a certain way for me. It shouldn't matter if I've known somebody for any length of time. I don't want special attention just because of knowing someone previously, or because of how I'm feeling now. I just want to be seen as a regular person and given a regular chance to be what I know I can be... even though I probably don't deserve that chance.

     I guess what I'm saying, is that I'm miserable. There are times when I feel happier than the rest of this past month all put together... and then there are time when that comes crashing down and I feel worse than before. I'm sorry to anybody my mood affects. I'm sorry for bringing other people down. And I'm sorry for making things more difficult. I wish everything could just be made so much easier. I wish I could prove that I have what it takes to make everything better without taking a huge chance... but I can't. Believing in me would be taking a chance in the unknown. Trusting in the words that I say. Trusting in me.

     I can only hope that you have what it takes to believe in me, and that together we can be stronger. I hope that I can make you confident enough to trust me, and maybe... just maybe I can be what you need.

~ Kyle

Happy New Year!

     It has certainly been a tough year, that's for sure. But with a new year comes a new start for everyone and everything. A new year is a time to refresh what was old and fix things that didn't work before. Now is the time to do the things I never thought I could do.

     I finished last year passing almost all of my classes in school. Honestly, I wasn't sure if I could do it before. But I was able to get through it and now I'm more confident than ever. I'm living here with Carley and I know that with the time I now have to focus on things better than before, I can get through it all. And we can do it together.

     This will be a wonderful new year. My relationship with Carley will get stronger, and I will become more confident in myself. I am going to do my best this year. Sometimes I will win. Other times I will fail. This may lead to fights and arguments... but in the end, we will be better people because of it. We learn more about one another every day.

     There are so many things I want to do with my time this year. I plan to take hold of the things I want to do. No more procrastinating. No more making excuses. This year will be my year to reach my goals!

~ Kyle