Waiting For The Time To Go By

     At this point in time, yeah, I'm looking for a job, but I'm not in a hurry. Right now, I'm quite happy to take things slowly. Now that I've had the time to slow down and think about things for a bit, I can definitively say that I much prefer to take things slowly. I feel like in the past while (not sure how long exactly), things have been flying by. It's nice to finally be able to sit down and have some time to myself where things aren't trying to race by.

     Sure, I'd like to have a job RIGHT NOW, but at the same time... I'm happy that it's not happening RIGHT AWAY. I think I've needed this time to slow down and figure out what I want. Do I definitely know one hundred percent what I want right now? No, of course not. I do know that I want to be able to focus on myself one step at a time and figure things out. Take the time to get back in touch with friends I haven't taken the time to talk to in a long time. And more importantly... take the time to get back in touch with myself.

     I shouldn't have to be so worried about what someone else thinks. I only have to worry about what I think. Am I happy with myself? Do I like my choices? Where do I want to see myself? Those are the important questions I should be thinking about rather than things like: What does he or she think of me? Or what if that person thinks I'm weird?

     So now is my time to focus on myself. I'm using this as an excuse to get more into writing seeing as I like sharing my words with whomever takes the time to read them. I'm also using this as a time to relax and be comfortable with myself. I'd like to start reading some of my books again like I used to every night. I'd like to start playing my violin again... maybe learn to play some cool things. Now is my time to be me.

~ Kyle

Am I really worth it?

     I know I should easily think the answer to this question is yes... but I'm just so confused lately. Just when everything seems like it's getting better, I feel like I make it all worse. I just want to make a change. I want to prove that I can do a better job and be a better person. I want to prove that I am worth it, but I don't know how. I don't know how to be what is needed of me when it seems like what's already there is so much better, even though I know it shouldn't be.

     I can be told ten times that I'm worth it; that I am what is needed or wanted, but then... when things are still in question even after being told that... I don't know how to respond. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. Nobody should feel obligated to do anything for me, or feel a certain way for me. It shouldn't matter if I've known somebody for any length of time. I don't want special attention just because of knowing someone previously, or because of how I'm feeling now. I just want to be seen as a regular person and given a regular chance to be what I know I can be... even though I probably don't deserve that chance.

     I guess what I'm saying, is that I'm miserable. There are times when I feel happier than the rest of this past month all put together... and then there are time when that comes crashing down and I feel worse than before. I'm sorry to anybody my mood affects. I'm sorry for bringing other people down. And I'm sorry for making things more difficult. I wish everything could just be made so much easier. I wish I could prove that I have what it takes to make everything better without taking a huge chance... but I can't. Believing in me would be taking a chance in the unknown. Trusting in the words that I say. Trusting in me.

     I can only hope that you have what it takes to believe in me, and that together we can be stronger. I hope that I can make you confident enough to trust me, and maybe... just maybe I can be what you need.

~ Kyle